Trying to co-parent with an ex can be a struggle if they’re holding on to anger, resentment and other negative feelings about you. Responsible parents know they (generally) need to put those feelings aside and focus on the best interests of their children. However, sometimes a parent can convince themselves that’s what they’re doing by constantly undermining their co-parent.
There’s a term for this kind of approach: counterparenting. This is when one parent intentionally works against the other.
What does counterparenting look like?
Counterparenting is sometimes used to describe things that people often associate with the term “parental alienation.” This can include saying negative things about the other parent (particularly if they aren’t true) and telling their child their other parent doesn’t care about them. Certainly, parental alienation is something that needs to be addressed immediately – possibly through the courts.
There are other examples of counterparenting that don’t rise to the level of parental alienation. However, they can nonetheless be frustrating to the other parent – and ultimately hurt the child. For example, a parent may allow their child to do things at their home that their co-parent disapproves of, like playing violent video games, eating junk food or not doing their homework. They might allow or even encourage swearing, insubordination and other bad behavior.
It’s not uncommon for one parent to be more lenient than the other. It’s not counterparenting for a mom or dad to occasionally take their child out for fast food or let them stay up past their bedtime. When they regularly act against the other parent’s wishes, often to get back at their co-parent or work to make themselves the favorite parent, that’s counterparenting.
What can you do about a “counterparent”?
If your co-parent is engaged in counterparenting and your efforts to talk to them about it haven’t yielded any changes, it may be necessary to add some clarity to your parenting plan. If you don’t have one yet, you’ll want to put one in place as soon as possible. This can help you hold your co-parent accountable when they engage in potentially harmful misconduct.
Alternatively, assuming that your co-parent isn’t endangering your child’s health or safety, you may need to eventually consider parallel parenting instead of co-parenting. This is where parents essentially parent their child separately, except for certain fundamental concerns. Either way, seeking legal guidance can help.
